


New Person, Same Old Mistakes

by SEIK9I



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Bad Decisions, Childhood Friends, Christmas Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Maybe - Freeform, Pining Iwaizumi Hajime, Sad Iwaizumi Hajime, School Reunion, Temporarily Unrequited Love, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension, ex to lovers, not that angsty
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:07:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28167495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SEIK9I/pseuds/SEIK9I
Summary: It really was all he had ever wanted in life. Slowly, but precariously, Iwaizumi’s face cracked into a smile despite himself. It was almost pitiful to see Oikawa like this.“Iwa-chan?” Oikawa tried to confirm a response.Iwaizumi let out a long sigh before he gave Oikawa the answer he wanted.“I’m gonna regret this, aren’t I?”OrIwaizumi can't seem to learn from his past mistakes.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime & Oikawa Tooru, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 7
Kudos: 11





	New Person, Same Old Mistakes

**Author's Note:**

> wow i'm so original with naming fics. I hope you enjoy this, merry christmas

The frigid air bit away at Iwaizumi’s bare lips and fingers, though he had lost perception a while ago.

It was already 2am, the wallowing darkness doing nothing to ease his loneliness and heartache. The pure white flakes of snow were falling so gently, calmly, but the sight of then only seemed to bring back bittersweet memories that were long gone by now.

 _Merry Christmas indeed_... Iwaizumi sighed, his breath materialising in the cold. He thread his bare freezing fingers through the snow, unwary if the tingling on his fingertips as he leaned his back against the lamppost he had been sitting by. It was not a good night to be outside; the breeze was gentle yet frigid and chilled him to the bone. He gazed up to the somber sky, feeling the emptiness eating him alive. It was pathetic, in reality, to be abandoned on a holiday that is meant for warmth and happiness.

Though in his way, perhaps he deserved it.

This was his punishment.

The relationship had lasted for over a year, and for a while, the both of them were relatively satisfied. An agreement of equal exchange, conceived by a mutual case of broken hearts. One person had been rejected by someone who had feelings for another. The other had ended a short but passionate relationship with the one who was supposed to be the love of his life. Naturally, they came to each other and comforted each other, the comfort eventually evolving into what was mistaken as romance: a mistake that was only brutally realized right before Christmas started.

The words echoed in Iwaizumi’s mind.

_“You are one selfish bastard, you know that?! Have you ever once thought of me as a lover?”_

His world had caved in front of him the moment those words were uttered. It was as if what they had accomplished together up to this point had been meaningless, to the point where one person felt as if they were being used. It was terrifying, cruel even, to suggest that a person could do that to a loved one. Was that not the whole point? To forget a past lover by seeing yourself with other broken people? Isn’t that the whole point of love? He wondered.

But in that moment, to Iwaizumi’s own horror, he found he could not deny it.

And before he knew it, he had left. Lost within his own intentions and plagued by the guilt before him, Iwaizumi had packed up the few possessions he had left in that apartment and left. And now he sat, abandoned, lonely, with no place to go, all because he couldn’t sufficiently work out his stupid emotions.

_“While you were with me... you were still always thinking of him, weren’t you?”_

Iwaizumi’s heart clenched when he had heard those words. It’s not even his name that has been pronounced, but he recognised. And all that time he’d thought he had hid it all so well. The lingering feeling of touches and whispers of love from his past _past_ lover that seemed so vivid, as if it was only yesterday.

After all, he was supposed to be the love of his life.

“Oikawa Tooru,” he whispered the name for the first time, since his last heartbreak, the name he had called so many times in a million different ways. He raised his frozen hand up to the night sky and gazed at it, recalling how nicely their hands had fit together, Oikawa’s hand was slightly long and slender against his own, they were always so sweaty too for some reason. The loneliness was making him weaker, his heart ached to no means as memories started cascading through his mind, collapsing his will.

_Hm, I really must be a bad person... To just break up with someone yet I'm yearning for a different person._

“Tooru...” He called the familiar name out for comfort’s sake, not caring that he looked like a total nutcase by the roadside. All of a sudden, Iwaizumi wanted to see him with a burning desire in his heart. He didn’t need anything else right now, he only wanted to see Oikawa. He was the only person that could fix him right now.

Feeling more distressed than ever, Iwaizumi pulled out his phone and gazed longingly at the screen. He had deleted Oikawa’s number a long time ago, all for good reasons.

Unfortunately for him, he’d interacted with the number so many times that he still knew it by heart, even over a year later.

Hesitantly, he pressed the numbers into his keypad with his frozen fingers. His finger hovered over the call button, wondering if he should really do it. Will this do any good for him? It wasn’t too late to forget about it all and continue moving on with their lives, just as they’d done for the past year.

_Maybe he just won’t pick up... he probably still doesn't have my number, right?_

He pressed the button. The dialling tone mocked him with its suspense.

Even if he won’t pick up, maybe trying to call Oikawa for the first time after so long could help him fill the void inside him maybe just a little bit—

_Click._

“...Iwaizumi? Is that you..?”

Iwaizumi felt his breath hitch in his throat.

“Oikawa... I— I... I need your help...” Iwaizumi breathed into the phone and glanced up into the snowy sky.

_Maybe I really am a selfish bastard after all._

  
  
  


Three years ago.

Iwaizumi wasn’t sure why he’d agree to go.

Come to the high school reunion, they said. It’ll be fun, they said. The bitter thoughts ran through his mind as he remained a wallflower, sourly sipping on his alcohol as he watched his old classmates.

On the surface, it looked as if they were having the time of their lives, but in reality, all they really wanted to do was one up each other in their achievements. And since Iwaizumi had never found it entertaining, he couldn’t care less. He’d gotten tired of the trivial ‘long time no see’s’ a while ago. Besides, his close friends didn’t come to the party anyways.

Iwaizumi raised his cups to his lips and tilted the plastic container, realising that he’d emptied it before he even noticed. Letting no one but himself hear another long, exaggerated sigh, peeling himself off the wall and head over for refills. In the midst of his mindless walk, Iwaizumi managed to precariously bump into someone with his shoulder.

“Ow!—“

“Sorry I didn’t-“

Iwaizumi paused. That voice is... _awfully familiar_.

Cautiously, Iwaizumi looked up to see the person he least wanted to bump into.

“Oikawa,” Iwaizumi barely breathed. “...long time no see, I guess.”

“Yeah,” Oikawa said softly, an air of awkwardness lingering through the air, “It really has been.”

They paused, not sure whether to brush past each other and continue on their own wats as before or let curiosities make the better of them. Iwaizumi shifted his eyes. Oikawa had barely changed these past years, externally. Maybe his hair, he still has the same fringe but it was styled differently. Sure, he possessed a certain new air of maturity around him that they all had by now— well, most of them— but he still gave off the same feeling from high school, more or less. Always friendly and kind, yet intimidating.

“So... how’s the post-secondary life been for you?” Iwaizumi tried to smile naturally.

“Great,” Oikawa replied stiffly. “I’m learning a lot of new things.”

There it was again. Silence. Silence that indicated these weren’t the questions they wanted to ask each other.

“You wanna grab something to drink together?” Oikawa asked suddenly.

“Yeah sure, why not,” Iwaizumi answered, knowing he had nothing better to do anyways. And judging by the way he was feeling a bit compressed, he could use a worthwhile distraction.

iwaizumi was about to head back, when he felt a pat on his shoulder. He turned around to see Oikawa tilting his head towards the balcony.

“Wanna talk outside, actually?” Oikawa finally asked before adding, “It’s getting kind of stuffy in here.”

Iwaizumi merely stared at Oikawa, stunned by the spontaneous offer...though he would’ve been lying if he said the surprise hadn’t a subliminally pleasant one.

“Yeah, sure. I could use some fresh air right now.” 

Quietly, and almost obediently, Iwaizumi followed Oikawa past the crowd and towards the back door of the house. Iwaizumi stepped out onto the balcony after Oikawa pushed the sliding door open, slightly jolted by the unexpected breeze. The sun had already set below the horizon, it was dark, the stars shining below them weakly.

“Ooh, it’s nice outside,” Oikawa spoke Iwaizumi’s mind. Iwaizumi tried to remember if it had always been like that back then, and much to his dismay, he couldn’t.

He sipped his drink awkwardly, trying to but time to think about what he wanted to say next.

Oikawa broke the silence first. Again. “You’ve been doing well, right?” he asked, the genuine curiosity laced around his voice.

Iwaizumi shrugged, “I’ve been doing alright, I guess.”

“Only alright?” Oikawa noted.

“I mean, it gets stressful for everyone, doesn’t it?” Iwaizumi asked, pausing as he realised something. His lips curved into a casual smile.

“Wait, of course you’re not struggling,” Iwaizumi continued, “You’re Oikawa Tooru, best volleyball player and captain with a bright future ahead of you.”

Oikawa laughed slightly, prompted memories rushing through his mind. “Well, I supposed life was a lot easier back then.”

“Oh? You’ve become humble now? That’s a change,” Iwaizumi quipped.

“Excuse you, I was always humble.”

“Ah, that’s more like it.”

It was quiet again, but this time, a nostalgic silence rather than an awkward one. Oikawa and Iwaizumi smiled to themselves without making eye contact, memories of a once pleasant time rushing through their minds.

“So are you doing anything interesting right now?” Oikawa spoke up, interrupting Iwaizumi’s thoughts once again. “Met new people or a lover? Anything?”

“...well, not really.” Iwaizumi replied hesitantly, “Been focusing on college, that’s all.”

That was a lie. In fact, he did meet new people of course and other few things he thought to be interesting— he just thought someone like Oikawa wouldn’t think the same. “I supposed you’re going to tell me now about all the great things you’ve achieved as Oikawa Tooru in college?”

Oikawa smiled, for some unknown reason, “You may have gone away for a long time but that tone in your voice is still exactly the same, isn’t it?”

“What tone?” Iwaizumi blinked. “This is my voice.”

“You were funny back then,” Oikawa commented.

“Where the hell did that come from?”

Oikawa shrugged but the same old stupid grin plastered on his face, “I just thought about it.”

“Ha. I remember the first year in college,” Iwaizumi spoke unabashedly, “And you met new people, especially those that came from America, you stopped hanging out with us so much.”

“Salty much?” Oikawa grinned.

Iwaizumi faltered, “You say _salty_ now? Whoa.”

Oikawa broke into a smile again, “Why? Am I not allowed to say it? Besides, wasn’t that how you felt when you didn’t invite me to your birthday parties for the next two years?”

“We don’t talk about that.”

“I mean, you did confe—“

“I said, we _don’t_ talk about that.”

“Then stop talking about me like i’m supposed to be some kind of saint,” Oikawa finished, voice softer than before as well as his eyes as he stared down at Iwaizumi.

“You were such a good boy though,” Iwaizumi teased. “You must be popular now that you’re grown and tall…er.”

“Hey, jealousy is a disease,” Oikawa said, still smiling.

“I complimented you, so accept it,” Iwaizumi grinned. “I bet you have…girls hanging off your arms and everything now, don’t you?” Iwaizumi failed to leave the hesitation out of his words.

“Well…”

“I see your ego hasn’t changed.”

“Can you calm down? I haven’t even said anything yet,” Oikawa defended himself.

“I feel like the answer is inevitable,” Iwaizumi retorted.

“Really? What would you say if I told you I’m actually feeling kind of lonely recently?”

“Recently. Define recently.”

“Like…for a while now?”

“…and you’re telling me this because?”

Oikawa paused, seemingly deep in thought as he gazed upwards, almost poetically. Iwaizumi was torn between whether to keep staring or to slap Oikawa out of it.

Abruptly, turned his gaze back towards Iwaizumi, catching him off guard. He noticeably hitched a breath as they properly made eye contact for the first time that night…and for the first time in a long, long while. All at once, a rush of emotions swarmed Iwaizumi, and he found his heart lurching in the way it always did when he looked at Oikawa back then. And now, again, after so long, it seemed so right just to forcefully gaze deeper, purposely getting lost into those deep brown irises so that he could convince himself of his delusions once again.

“Hey Iwa-chan…how long are you going to be in town for?” Oikawa asked.

“I dunno…why?” came Iwaizumi’s response.

“It’d be nice to…actually, never mind.” Oikawa stopped short of himself. Iwaizumi’s heart sank, just as it did so many times before when it came to Tooru Oikawa.

But he caught his breath when Oikawa looked as if he were about to speak again, “Are you still going to be on here next Friday?”

“…most likely.”

Iwaizumi watched Oikawa carefully. He hadn’t seen him like this before. Oikawa had always been so confident, so sure of himself in high school—never flustered like this.

“Wanna come hang out with me? I’m leaving next week,” Oikawa asked quietly, his voice barely a whisper.

“What?” Iwaizumi was sure he must’ve heard wrong.

Oikawa sighed, “Are you really gonna make me repeat myself?”

“Well, i’m kind of allowed to, aren’t I? You rejected me first.”

“I’m s—! Wait, why should I apologise? People change! Feelings change!” The younger exclaimed.

“Why should I go out with you now? After you tormented me for all those years?”

“Because I— I haven’t really stopped thinking about you since.”

The words spilled out of Oikawa’s mouth before he could hold it back. Iwaizumi could only stare. It was so cliché, with them outside the balcony on the 7th floor, cold breeze brushing on their skin, Iwaizumi felt like puking. But, it was all that he ever wanted.

Iwaizumi felt his heart thump violently in his chest, there it was again. A spell that Oikawa chanted on him.

Also, for the first time in his life, he had the upper hand against Tooru Oikawa.

It really was all he had ever wanted in life. Slowly, but precariously, Iwaizumi’s face cracked into a smile despite himself. It was almost pitiful to see Oikawa like this.

“Iwa-chan?” Oikawa tried to confirm a response.

Iwaizumi let out a long sigh before he gave Oikawa the answer he wanted.

_“I’m gonna regret this, aren’t I?”_

  
  
  


The words echoed in Iwaizumi’s mind, as if it’d only been yesterday. He slammed his head back against the lamp post yet another time, breathing out another pain sigh. His phone laid abandoned next to his chilled hands, already partially covered in white flakes of snow.

No, he hadn’t regretted it, not at all…not in the beginning at least.

_It was the night of dreams, so surreal that Iwaizumi wondered what he’d done to deserve it all. It was as if Oikawa knew exactly what Iwaizumi had wanted, and reciprocated it all to him: a night of adventure, sweetness, kisses and passion._

_They both knew they were deep in love at some point: it seemed as obvious as their existence. Tooru Oikawa and Iwaizumi Hajime; their names, their hobbies, their interests, their preferences—everything seemed to meld together nicely. They were practically attached by the hip, going everywhere together and never leaving each other’s sides. For a while, people even coined them as the couple of ideals, wishing they could find a love as unconditional and harmonious as theirs._

_And slowly, ever so subtly, Oikawa was changing._

_What was once the bubbly and kind-hearted boy who had once won over Iwaizumi’s heart had become an unreadable, impenetrable wall. Iwaizumi didn’t know what it was that made him like that, and didn’t dare question Oikawa whenever he came home with a disappointed look in his eyes. Gradually, they spoke less and less, fought more often than not, until one day, Iwaizumi couldn’t take it anymore._

_“It’s like I don’t even know you anymore.”_

_Were there even happy moments? It was hard to remember. Was it falling out of love? Or something else entirely?_

_But he knew one thing was for sure: it was that he had lied to himself when he thought he could ever find something better than his love for Oikawa._

Iwaizumi shivered, the cold finally getting to him at long last. He bunched himself within his jacket as he gripped tighter into the material, his fingers already faintly losing colour.

_At this rate he felt like dying._

He stared longingly at his abandoned phone yet another time, hoping it would ring, or do anything to indicate that someone was coming for him. In his weak excitement, he had somehow managed to ramble out his approximate location before hanging up and now all that was left to do was wait.

Since when did he become such a loser?

Did he want Oikawa to come running and sweep him off his feet once again? Did he even want to get back with Oikawa despite how much he’d regretted it the first time? As well, who knew how much more Tooru Oikawa would’ve changed in their time apart, and whether Iwaizumi could tolerate any more of their differences.

It hurts. But he can’t help it. His mind grew hazier and hazier from the cold and tiredness in his mind, Iwaizumi realised that Oikawa was the only person he wanted to see at the moment, despite how pathetic he looks right now, or if he is at his brink of freezing to death. The only person his heart aches for, the only one who could—

_“Iwa-chan?"_

His heart dropped to the floor as he heard that stupid annoying nickname for the first time in what made Iwaizumi felt like an eternity.

“Oh my god, Iwa-chan? Are you alright?”

The voice cut through the air like a knife, and the blazing face burst out of the misty white like a dream. Iwaizumi felt the gloved hands wrap around his own face, checking to see if it was alright, checking to see if he was still breathing.

_No fucking way. He's here…he’s really here. In front of him, right now._

There he was, in his full guise, Tooru Oikawa as Iwaizumi had remembered him. His face was tinged red from the merciless breeze and his usually neat, brunette hair messy from the wind. And those passionate eyes—that Iwaizumi had always thought were pretty, but never once said aloud—were widened in terror and confusion, worried and doting over him as they had before.

He misses him. So much. He felt tears slowly forming in his eyes but bit his tongue as if to stop it from dropping down.

“Too...Tooru...” Iwaizumi could barely breathe as he reached up to touch the newcomer’s hands. Ah, that feeling… “You actually came. I can’t believe you…” He wanted to cry, but for some reason, his tears wouldn’t come out.

His words became lost as he tried to make sense of everything. Was this reality? Did Oikawa really come to rescue him again after all these years?

“Oikawa...” he kept calling, not worrying about his condition any longer. Why should he? When all the warmth, his source of light, all he had ever desired in that moment was right in front of him. He wrapped his arms around Oikawa, trying to feel the embrace that he had subconsciously missed for so long. When he felt it wasn’t enough, he pulled the lapels of Oikawa’s coat towards and nuzzled his face into the chest that was once so familiar.

He vaguely heard the sound of Oikawa’s voice, beckoning him to get up, asking if he’d lost his mind.

He had nothing to lose anymore does he?

Acting on complete impulse, Iwaizumi tugged on Oikawa's coat a lot harder this time and pressed his stiff, thin lips against Oikawa’s warmer, plump ones. And immediately, he felt a sense of rejuvenation course through him, as if a certain thirst of his had been satiated after so long. In a way, it made sense, he had been abandoned and thrown out into the streets…was it so wrong to indulge in the love that seemed to fall into his arms in that moment?

Iwaizumi pushed forwards, trying to deepen the kiss, searching for the fulfillment from those past years. 

But to his surprise, Oikawa pulled away.

Wait, what— As he caught Oikawa’s eyes, he realized they were laden with a strange melancholy that Iwaizumi still couldn’t interpret.

“Oikawa? Why do you look so sad?” he asked like a child.

“Iwa-chan, please stop,” Oikawa spoke slowly. “I didn’t come for…for this. I only came because I thought you were in danger.”

“What?” Iwaizumi said, eyes dilating.

“Iwa-chan, I—I’m…”Oikawa seemed to have difficulty squeezing his words out.

“Babe, is everything okay?”

A new voice.

A female’s voice.

A new silhouette.

The appearance of a pair of large eyes and a pretty face.

_Oh._

Iwaizumi stared as he realized what he had just done. There Oikawa was….and there she was.

_Of course._

He awaited the searing, destructive pain that would erupt in his chest. The pain that would cause him to break down completely, like jagged edges tearing through soft, unprotected tissue.

But as he kept watching them looking back at him, he felt…nothing.

_Am I…invulnerable now?_

Iwaizumi looked onwards with empty eyes, watched her as she moved forwards to check if he was alright, gesturing for her partner to take him to their car. Limply, Iwaizumi finally obliged, even if he had been so stubborn with Oikawa only seconds before.

As he sat in the backseat of their car, he kept the same blank expression. As he barely heard their concerns from the front seat, he realized that he still felt nothing and he couldn’t explain it. Even as he stared at her well-defined profile from the side, he found he bore no resentment, nor jealousy, which was quite unlike himself.

And when they finally dropped him off at a safe place near his home, he didn’t dare look back, for fear of what might erupt out of him if he did.

But even when Oikawa called after him, something he couldn’t distinctively hear, there was no anguish, no desire of turning back…nothing.

 _“I didn’t come for this. I only came because I thought you were in danger.”_ Iwaizumi replayed Oikawa’s words in his mind.

He snorted.

“Liar.” Iwaizumi whispered for no one to hear but himself.

And that’s when he realised it wasn’t that he had forged a new barrier, or strengthened himself in anyway.

It was because there was absolutely nothing left to break.

  
  


A year later.

“Hey, can you pass me the Christmas star?” Atsumu called from atop his ladder.

“Nah, I don’t think he can lift me all the way up there,” Bokuto quipped.

“Stop being useless and get the ornaments on the trees, goddammit,” Atsumu snapped. “Now Iwaizumi, give me the goddamn star.”

Iwaizumi sighed, digging through the boxes to find the star.

“Tell me why we have to do this every goddamn year,” Iwaizumi groaned.

“Hey, stop complaining! You had a great time at our Halloween party and don’t you forget it,” Hinata said.

“If you define being drunk out of your mind as ‘a good time’,” Sakusa spoke nonchalantly as he passed by with yet another box of ornaments.

“Well it looked fun, ok?” Atsumu retorted to Sakusa who had already left.

“How’s the guest list for this year look anyways?” Bokuto asked.

Atsumu shrugged as he retrieved the star from Iwaizumi’s hands. “Alright, I guess. It’s a slightly different group from last year I guess, but people are busy at different times so what can we do. Except Kuroo. Kuroo comes every year without fail cause his entire life’s a lie and he's dead inside and needs a place to vent.”

Bokuto laughter echoed through the room. Iwaizumi, on the other hand, felt completely exhausted already at the thought of having to deal with another social event.

“Yo, by the way, what about Oikawa?” Bokuto asked. “I haven’t seen that dude since Kageyama’s sister’s wedding.”

Iwaizumi’s entire body stiffened at the mention of a name he hadn’t thought about in a year.

“Is he coming this year?” Bokuto finished the question, to which the answer could mean impending doom.

“Yeah, he is.” Atsumu said simply.

Bokuto’s face cracked into a smile again. “What’s up with him? He usually always makes excuses not to come,” he said. “Is he feeling abnormally lonely or something?”

“You might be closer than you think actually.”

“What?”

“Don’t you know?” Ataumu said as he adjusted the star one last time.

“I don’t know anything about that guy, he keeps everything to himself,” Bokuto said pointedly.

“He broke up with his girlfriend around the beginning of the year, around last Christmas actually,” Atsumu explained.

Even Bokuto seemed startled by the news. “What?! He…had a girlfriend?!”

Iwaizumi carefully listened to their conversation from the kitchen. Left to his own, Iwaizumi heaved out a long sigh. It’d been awhile since he’d had that little encounter with Oikawa, and he hadn’t seen the other person since.

_I’m not going to make the same mistake twice…well, for the third time._

Tired of thinking and looking for a way to distract himself, Iwaizumi cuts the vegetable in front of him. “Fuck!” Iwaizumi yelped as he felt a sting in his finger, as it'd been sliced open by the knife.

At that moment, the doorbell rang.

“Iwaizumi! Can you get that?!” came Bokuto’s loud voice from the living room. “It’s probably Kuroo!”

Iwaizumi glanced at his finger, wondering if should bandage it now or later. Deciding it wasn’t too deep, he shrugged and made his way to the front door.

He unlocked the door and pulled it open.

The visitor spoke first. “Sorry, Atsumu-san, I decided to come a bit early to help because—”

The visitor raised his head to look Iwaizumi directly in the eye, and the both of them froze as they realized exactly who the other person was.

“Oikawa...you came,” Iwaizumi called his name, almost out of habit.

“Iwaizumi…” Oikawa’s voice replied. Soft. Gentle.

And much to his dismay, for the first time in a long while…

…Iwaizumi felt that terrifying ache in his chest again.

**Author's Note:**

> I might be making a part two for this where both of them get their shit together. after the tooth rotting fluff I wrote about Bokuaka last night, I needed to write something angsty


End file.
